What have YOU "bought" lately?

When I was about 3 years old, I liked to run around to various neighbors' houses to chat with whomever would listen. Yes, I have been a social butterfly since I was quite young! I loved-loved-loved people (still do) and nothing made me happier than climbing up into old Wick Suiter's (yes, that's a real name) lap and talking talking talking.

However, my mother did not take kindly to this, thinking bad thoughts all the time about what would become of a little girl who was so extroverted. At the same time, my brother, a natural introvert, was so nervous that he licked his lips obsessively to the point he looked like he was wearing clown lips, they were so raw. Our mother also did not take kindly to THAT, considering that boys are supposed to be naturally adventurous and participate in all sorts of social activities with other boys. Totally NOT my brother.

So on the one hand, my mother did everything to restrain me from my natural tendency towards openness, while she actively pushed my brother out of his natural tendency towards shyness. I was forbidden to interact with certain people (a habit that continued in subtle and not-so-subtle ways throughout grade school and high school), and my brother was pushed into all sorts of boy-like activities, including the cub scouts, chess competitions, and science fairs.

Years later, I asked mom why she felt the need to be so restrictive towards me, and her response, I kid you not, was this: "We were concerned that you might become a danger to self and society."

In the last few weeks, I have come to the realization that at some level, I have "bought" this view -- that somehow I am potentially a danger to self and society. It has not been particularly conscious, but it's there, like an underground stream, weaving its way through thoughts, actions, words -- through my BEING.

At some level I have believed that my very being is potentially dangerous. Now, on the surface, I don't feel that way at all, and in fact I am still the same open, extroverted people-lover I always was [that's the problem with trying to force people into being things they are not -- it doesn't work. My brother is still an introvert, too].

I suppose at some level, it's true that my being COULD be dangerous -- we all have the potential to be destructive, or mean, or whatever. But this has been the operative equation for my entire life, it seems -- that I have to be vigilant in ensuring I don't wreak havoc on the world.

This, intellectually, seems absolutely ridiculous. As a Buddhist, I know that everyone has the potential for good or for evil -- popularly expressed as one's fundamental darkness or fundamental enlightenment. But I have limited myself by trying to restrain my fundamental darkness, rather than by nurturing my fundamental enlightenment. In short, I have subconsciously believed that my power for bad is far more potent than my power for good.

One way this belief has manifested in my life is in how I temper my dreams and goals. This realization only came to me last week, after a particularly fruitful chanting session. It dawned on my that I have a habit of tempering my dreams and goals by what I perceive the outcome might be -- that is, what NEGATIVE outcome it will bring to others. I see things in a win-lose dynamic, that if I gain something, it by definition means someone else must lose. I see these words in the preceding sentence and think, how silly! But that's really how my mind works.

My quest is to overcome this habit, and see that if I REALLY trust my Buddhanature's propensity for good, I can let go of the need to restrain myself at all costs. When I chant Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, the world of Buddhahood is immediately accessed (regardless of whether or not I feel it), and I can trust the outcome. Faith in this means I can allow the good to emerge, and not expend so much energy on restraining the bad.

Is there anything you have "bought" lately?