The view from 40,000 feet

My friend Martha has a cool way of looking at life -- she calls it "the view from 40,000 feet." It's a nifty way to gain perspective on an issue that is troubling -- a way to get away from ground level, close up, where things may not be so clear.

I hadn't talked to her in a while, and we had the chance to have dinner a week ago. I have been thinking about things she said ever since.

I told her about the stuff that's been going on with me, my struggles and fears. I essentially told her that I was tired of being dope-slapped by the self-realizations that seem to come every single day of late. I am seeing myself in a new way, and it's been painful [read any of my previous blog posts and you'll understand what I'm talking about].

She asked me, "What's the view from 40,000? Looking at this from far away, isn't it exciting to know yourself better and better? Isn't it interesting?" I said that I supposed it was, but I feel a lot of disappointment lately, too, like disappointment at my divorce, feeling at the mercy of my emotions, and so forth.

She encouraged me to try not having any judgments about my life at this moment, that I have the choice to meet everything from the standpoint of, "oooh, isn't THAT interesting?"

A few years ago, I made the following prayers/determinations at the beginning of the new year:

1. I will not be ruled by guilt. Guilt is useless, and is just a way to maintain control over the self that I falsely believe is dangerous.
   
2. I will not be ruled by obligation. I will do things because I want to, not because I feel obligated.
3. "Because I want to" is reason enough to do something. I don't need to justify myself.
4. I will stop worrying. Worrying robs me of the energy I need to make real changes in my life.

OK, so to be perfectly honest, the first several months of trying to implement these four goals were a nightmare. All I could see were the ways in which my life was completely ruled by guilt, obligation, justification and worry. It was awful. But eventually, I was able to make some changes in my life based on these four goals that I never would have imagined making.

One of them was actually getting divorced. It may sound weird or cavalier, but I feel like the end of my 15-year marriage was a direct result of these prayers. In retrospect, I saw how much my relationship was dominated by guilt, etc. And in changing these things in myself, the dynamic of the relationship changed, too. And not for the better. Although I stuck it out for a very long time, ultimately the relationship just became too destructive and it had to end.

Back to the present....after my conversation with Martha, I thought a lot about the need to add more prayers to these essential four. So I added a fifth: "I will allow myself the space to be me without judgment." This one is a struggle right now, but it's coming a little easier than the four original determinations did. I am catching myself more quickly when I am judgmental or think things should be different than they are.

And I've now added a sixth, too: "I will take other people at face value." I am so weary of trying to figure people out. I've done this my entire life, the result of having an emotionally vacant (and at times, scary) mother who I needed to track constantly. I am sick of it. SICK. I do it so much that it is like second nature to me. I just want to be the kind of person who takes what other people say at face value, unless evidence points otherwise. I don't need to do the research to find that evidence. It will be apparent to me, and I can relax.

This last one is harder for me because it is hardwired into my survival drive. It's very old. But, I am determined to integrate this new attitude in my life, because there is so much more to do in life than spend 24/7 trying to discern what someone meant by something they said or did. If in doubt, I can ASK. Duh.

This morning I awoke with a new appreciation for my life, what I have, my friends, my family. I felt happy. It's been a while. From 40,000 feet, the view is pretty great.